I just want you back
by StreakTheFoxz
Summary: She was once a great mare, the pride of Equestria's rulers. The sole wielder of the element of magic... Now but a shell of her former self after just one tragic night... and the long months that followed. Twilight Sparkle, with the help of her friends, attempts to rebuild her life from the ground up after a full year of trying to fix what cannot be changed.


Darkness. So much of nothing, no light, no sound, not even feeling. No internal or external influence, no smell or taste, no feel to any part of her body, nothing to work her body in any direction, not even to stand still. But then, there was a thought. Just one single sliver of a mental process that sparked the inner workings of the brain to spur into action.

"Spike?"

"..."

There was nothing anywhere, not even an echo. It was all dark. Twilight tried to move her head around, but she could not. Her vision was fixated on the darkness, on the void that had no meaning, and no end. But still, she tried again.

"Spiiiike!?"

"..."

She didn't know why, but she had to try. The faintest glimmer of hope had sparked within her heart, and even so the heat had already began to spread through her body. She needed to find him, to speak with him, just to know he's okay.

"Spike... are you in here?"

"...Yes."

She gasped quietly, recognizing his voice instantly. Her heart began to race as she breathed faster, but at the same time she couldn't feel any air entering or exiting her lungs. There was no temperature, no coolness or warmth, no external influence effecting her body. It was just the void, and the nothingness that resided within. And yet, she didn't even process this. Her mind was too focused on the voice she heard, on what she thought she heard, and on the hope that she could speak with him once again.

"Can I talk to you, please?"

"Aren't you already?"

She thought she could hear some sort of emotional influence in his voice, but there was none. He was monotone, a complete lack of feeling in his voice. She wondered if the darkness that had enveloped her had taken over her long lost companion, but she dared not fear of losing him now. She had already lost him once, and would not allow herself to let go again. She heard him, and she would find him.

"Where are you, Spike? I need to see you!"

"I don't know where I am."

Twilight tried to move, but her limbs were defiant. She took a moment to focus on producing some sort of locomotion in her legs, yet her efforts yielded little outcome. She could feel her hooves slowly lift off of whatever surface they were on, yet at an achingly slow pace. Her muscles were so relaxed that they were almost numb, yet in truth they simply didn't feel like doing anything more than supporting her. She had to get him to come to her, or she might lose him.

"Spike, follow my voice! Please, find me!"

"I'm cold, Twilight..."

A hint of emotion, one she was able to recognize as depression. Something was effecting him in a negative way, and he didn't like it. Twilight could only imagine how cold and lost he is in the overwhelming darkness, trapped by an endless vacuum of nothing. It must have even gotten to the point where his mind would make him make up things such as a false sense of temperature, as would be a side effect for being without anything for so long. She didn't know how long, but it was too long for her. Her Spike had been lost, taken for some reason she never discovered, and she would stop at nothing to get him back... to save him.

"I'm coming, Spike! Just hold on!"

"I'm so cold, Twilight. Help me, please..."

A sob. Spike was crying, and she wasn't there for him. All alone, surrounded by some sort of cold, with nothing to help give him warmth. She pushed her body further into action. The resistance in her limbs began to fade away, and before she knew it she had taken several steps forward on some unseen surface. It was hard and lifeless, giving off no sort of feel to it at all other than resistance, an anomaly on its own right just like the emptiness that surrounded her. But she didn't care, he needed help, he needed her guidance.

"Spike, where are you!? Please, just tell me where you are! I can't see you!"

"I... I don't know! Twilight, please help! I'm freezing!"

His voice was getting frantic. Twilight didn't care about anything other than him at that point. She didn't care for herself, or for the endless sea of shadow around her. Spike was close, close enough to be heard as if he was in the same room as her. She picked up a quick trot, her body becoming more active the more she pushed it. She needed to find him and get him out of the dark and cold that was hurting him. He needed light, and the warmth that came with it.

"I'm coming, Spike! Just hold on!"

"I'm so cold, I can't feel my scales! Please, help Twilight, I..."

He needed her now more than ever. To be with her, to bask in her warmth. He needed to be brought back to the light. To her light. To Twilight.

But then, a light appeared ahead of her. It started as a tiny speckle, like a single star in black sky. But it was growing, slowly, yet steadily. Twilight figured she was heading towards it, and was worried that Spike might not see it, but...

"I, I think I see a light up ahead..."

Twilight gasped again, knowing that Spike was seeing just what she was. Relief began to calm her nerves some as she realized they both had a visible destination before them. She picked up the pace, breaking into a full gallop in order to reach the steadily glowing light. She could make it out to be square at that point, and looked to be only a few hundred yards away. Or at least, that's what it seemed. It was impossible to tell distance where she was, but her mind decided to settle on something anyways.

"That's good, Spike! Just keep heading towards the light, I'll meet you there!"

"I think it's calling me, Twilight. The light is calling me, and... I'm not afraid anymore."

Twilight blinked a few times, but ultimately did not think too deeply about Spike's words. She figured that he must have been hallucinating, probably a side-effect from being so alone for so long. She would have to make sure she did anything she could once she got to him and brought him home.

"Spike, are you almost to the light?"

"I'm not afraid anymore, Twilight... it's okay..."

Some undesirable thoughts made their way across Twilight's mind, more focused on the actual light rather than on Spike's well-being. She saw light, and so did he, but was it best for him to? Off the top of her head, seeing a light usually was never a bad thing, but surrounded by nothing but darkness with a light so far off, heading towards it might just...

"Spike, wait!"

"I, I think I'm floating now... it feels so nice..."

"Spike!"

Twilight pushed her body further, breaking out into a full on sprint. She tried to use her magic, but her horn refused to respond. She galloped harder and harder, feeling herself start to become weightless and lacking of emotion. But she had to keep going. The thoughts of what lied at the end of that tunnel scared her more than anything in the world, and she would see to it that they would not come to pass. No matter what.

"Spike, stop! Head away from the light, Don't go into it!"

"Woah, when did I get so tired..."

"No! Spike, don't fall asleep! Get away from there!"

It was then that she finally saw Spike's silhouette at the edge of the light. The once tiny dot now covered a good quarter of her vision, with an dark shadow outline of Spike's figure walking out in front of it from the side. She couldn't be that much further away, but judging by his size in accordance to the light's, he must have been only a few steps away. She screamed as loud as she could, trying to jog some sense into her long lost friend. She couldn't lose him, she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she let him go. She needed him, her friends needed him, life needed him.

"Don't go over there, please! You'll die!"

"It's okay... really, I'm ready now."

"No you're not! You're too young, you're just a baby!"

A whisper traveled through the darkness, but it went unheard to Twilight's ears. She pressed on, her cheeks burning as fresh tears traveled down from her eyes. She was so close, yet he might already be lost.

"SPIKE! Spike, stop going to the light, please! Don't do this to me!"

"I'm so tired, I think I can just... fall asleep now..."

Another whisper, but louder. Like a shout from the distance, it echoed through the dark. It was calling for someone, and at first Twilight thought it was her own shouts reverberating off of something in the distance. But it was not, it was different from hers. The words were obscure but she could tell it wasn't her cries for her assistant. It was something else.

But she was almost there, she couldn't think of the other voice yet. Spike's silhouette was so close, she felt like she could almost leap to him and be right there. She pushed herself harder and harder still, ready to grab the baby dragon and yank him away from the light at a moment's notice.

"SPIIIIKE!"

Twilight took a great leap, using every ounce of energy she could muster into launching herself towards her assistant. He was right there, she could see him, she could have sworn her hooves touched his scales as she came down from her leap...

But something grabbed her.

"W-what!? No! Lemme go, SPIKE!"

She wrestled and fought against the restraints, trying to get to her assistant who stood on the threshold of the light. It felt like hooves around her, with some strange voice yelling right in her ear. It repeated itself over and over until she was finally able to begin hearing it more clearly.

"Twilight!"

The voice continued yelling louder and louder, as if it was approaching from the distance, yet the intensity made it feel like it was coming from right behind her.

"Twilight!"

"NO! Lemme go, I have to save him! Spike!"

"TWILIGHT!"

And suddenly, the light expanded, and everything went white.

"TWILIGHT!"

Twilight's upper body launched straight up from the bed, a long, dry gasp escaping from her throat as she stared straight forward with widened eyes. Her coat was covered in sweat while her following breaths were heavy and erratic. Her skin felt cold and clammy, and her limbs were shaking uncontrollably.

She was in shock.

"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash continued, holding onto her friend with booth hooves on her side. "Snap out of it girl, it was just another dream!"

"R-rainbow Dash!?" Twilight wheezed, her eyes slow to come to focus on her surroundings.

"Twilight, relax, just relax, ok!?" Dash lightly shook her friend a few times, emphasizing the 'relax' part and to help jog Twilight back into reality.

"I, I... Rainbow dash, is that you?" Twilight blinked several times, trying to remember exactly where she was as her brain made a jump start to try to get back at full functioning capacity.

"Yes, it's me, Twilight. Just relax, it's gonna be alright." Dash slowly removed her hooves from the startled mare as she sat there staring at her, a mixed look of concern and nervousness apparent in her eyes.

But Twilight didn't quite notice these as she wobbled slightly in her bed, still trying to discover what was going on. She remembered something though, she recalled a time hen she trained to stop and take a few deep breaths to get her focus back. And so she did, inhaling and exhaling several times as slow as she could.

She then turned her head, looking around. She was still in her room, the same as she always remembered it, only it was night time. She could feel the sweat in her coat and mane, as well as dampening the blankets she laid on. On top of her bed was Rainbow Dash, sitting over her legs and continually staring at her.

Nothing had happened, it was all a dream.

"It was all a dream..." she said quietly, her mind coming to terms with what happened.

"...It was the same one, wasn't it?" Rainbow asked gently, tilting her head as she waited for Twilight to recuperate.

"Y-you mean the one with the dark room and the light and... Spike?" Twilight gulped, hoping that her affliction hadn't become too obvious to her pegasus friend.

"Yeah, that one."

"Oh..." Twilight sighed, bringing her front hooves up to bury her face in them. "I'm so sorry, Rainbow."

"Hey, it's alright," Dash said, placing a hoof on her friend's shoulder. "That's why I sleep on a cloud next to your library, so I can help you out with your nightmares, remember?"

"Y-yeah, I remember... thanks, Dash," Twilight lifted her head up slowly, feeling a few more tears drip from her face. "It's just, it was all so real this time... and I could of sworn I almost had him..."

"Twilight, you _never_ get him in time," Rainbow Dash removed her hoof and gave her friend a stern gaze. "Remember the last time we let you try that, to see if it would make you feel better if you caught him?"

"Uuuhh.." Twilight looked to the side, gently biting on one of her hoof nails as she saw a part of her wall that had been completely rebuilt. Sheepishly she replied, "...no?"

Dash deadpanned. "You took out a whole chunk of your library. You said you tried so hard to save him that all your magic you kept trying to build up in your dream actually did build up in real life, so it all got expelled when you woke up and went through the freakin' wall!" She turned her body and pointed a hoof at the wall directly to the left of the bed where the obviously rebuilt section was. The reconstruction went great, but the wood was slightly discolored from having to be taken from another type of tree.

"Oh yeah, umm... heh heh," she scratched the head with the same smile for a few more seconds before her face dropped in defeat. She sighed again, closing her eyes and shaking her head as she began to recount all the times in the past she had had the same dream. "I'm sorry..."

"Hey, it's alright, Twilight," Rainbow Dash assured as she unfurled her wings and began hovering over the bed. "That's what ya got friends like me for!" she puffed out her chest and stared triumphantly at nothing up above her.

"Hehe, yeah... but, I still don't get why I keep having this dream. It's just the same dream almost every night. I don't know what is wrong with me." She rubbed her temples with both hooves, groaning in frustration. "Nothing in my mind has made any sense in so long..."

"Ya know, you can still see that psychiatrist like Fluttershy suggested."

"Rainbow, I am _not_ going crazy," Twilight replied irritably.

"I never said you were going crazy," Dash said defensively. "And psychiatrists aren't for crazy ponies, nut houses are."

"Would you ever go to a psychiatrist if you had emotional problems?" Twilight quirked an eyebrow as she started up at her friend.

"Well, uh..." Dash faltered, looking off to the side at nothing as she crossed her front hooves. "I uh, y-ya know, probably not... okay, you're right, sorry..."

Twilight shook her head again. "It's alright, but," She sighed once more, looking over at her clock. "I should probably get back to sleep, it's two in the morning."

"Yeah, I think you're right." Dash yawned loudly, her eyelids beginning to droop as her body already began preparing for more sleep. "Well, will you be alright until the sun comes up?"

"I should be, and thanks again, Rainbow Dash."

"It's no problem," The pegasus shrugged, turning back to the window where she originally entered, which was still open. "Just holler of you need me."

Dash began to hover slowly to the window and just placed a hoof on it when Twilight called out. "Dash, wait!"

The pegasus turned around, her hoof still on the window. "What is it"

Twilight pushed, her eyes darting around randomly as she fiddled with the words she was trying to get out. "Um, do you think you could, uh... sleep with me tonight? Just for comfort?"

Rainbow Dash sighed, but her lips eventually twisted into a soft smile. She closed the window her hoof was on and slowly glided back to the bed, sliding under the covers with her egghead friend. Their hooves slid around each other, and Dash smiled more as she felt Twilight curl up against her.

"Thanks," Twilight whispered as she closed her eyes and gave a long, easy breath.

"Not a problem, Twilight," Dash replied as she too closed her eyes, taking comfort in knowing the protection she was giving to her friend. "...Oh, and Twilight?"

"Yes?" Twilight opened her eyes, staring up at her friend.

"Next time, keep your a spare set of sheets next to your bed, in case you wake up in a cold sweat again..." the pegasus gestured down at the sheets, which had a big sweaty spot in the middle around Twilight's body.

"Oh, heh heh, right... sorry."

"Don't worry, it's fine for tonight." Dash closed her eyes again and returned to snuggling up against her unicorn friend. "Goodnight, Twilight."

"Goodnight, rainbow Dash."

Twilight awoke that morning with a gentle breeze blowing against her mane. She opened her eyes slowly, her mind coming to focus more more smoothly than during her sudden wake up in the middle of the night. She didn't dream after she fell asleep again with Rainbow Dash in her hooves, and she was glad she didn't. To her, most dreams end up becoming nightmares anyways, even the ones that are with all of her friends and Spike together, being happy.

She looked around the room, noticing it slightly illuminated by the recently risen sun outside. She wanted to move around some to work out the stiffness in her limbs, but opted not to as not she still felt Rainbow Dash curled up against her. She noticed a large shift in her position though, as well as all of her windows in the room being open, and guessed that Dash had done so to air out the place. She felt her bed sheets, confirming her suspicions by noticing how dry they were. She turned her eyes more, and started at the calender. Her heart skipped a beat as she focused on the date, realizing just what it meant.

The day was the one year anniversary of Spike's disappearance. Slowly, Twilight closed her eyes, recalling how everything up to that point had gone.

There was no warning, no signs, nothing to hint that Spike would just disappear one day. Or one night, technically. She had gone to bed one night with Spike already asleep in his bed, and when she woke up in the morning, he was gone. His blanket was thrown over the side of his bed, and his pillow was also knocked off the side, showing signs of some sort of rushed departure. The door to her bedroom was open, and the front door was left unlocked, so she knew he must have been in some sort of hurry. Nothing in the house was missing though, no books, no food or gems, no supplies what so ever. It was a mystery to her, and at first she thought he had simply gone out to get some things for her, though he never returned.

After waiting through the afternoon worried sick, she in touch with her friends to help search for him and bring him home. But that's when it all went down hill. Fluttershy came back to Twilight telling her to follow her out somewhere just at the edge of the Everfree Forest. When they got there, Fluttershy pointed out a claw print on the side of a tree that was just Spike's size. But that wasn't what ended up horrifying Twilight and all of her friends.

The print was left in blood. Dragon blood, if Twilight's later diagnostic of the dried liquid was to be correct. Not only that, but just a few feet into the woods they found little patches of blood on some of the grass and shrubs, leaving a trail into the forest. There were also multiple plants with shredded leaves and a tree with a chunk of bark broken off of it, showing some sort of struggle had been taken place. It didn't last long, however, as the trail and the damaged plants abruptly stopped only about twenty feet into the forest. After that, there was nothing, no signs of anything at all.

That was when Twilight freaked out, worrying for her friend's life. She practically screamed at Rainbow Dash to fly to Canterlot to get Celestia's help, and after seeing the evidence herself, she had raced all the way there in record time. In the mean time, Twilight did a magical scan of everywhere within a 2-mile radius of the little bloody trail in the forest. The scan was to detect anymore blood, anywhere, including underground, but the result yielded nothing.

Rainbow Dash came back later, as Twilight and her friends continued to look through the forest, only to bring back disturbing news. Every letter or item Celestia sent to Spike with a locator spell on it always came back before it got to its destination. It never made its way into Spike's gullet and out of his mouth. It never made its way to Spike. Celestia Determined there were only two reasons for this; Spike was either no longer in their physical realm, or dead.

The news was devastating at best, and completely catastrophic to Twilight.

It continued to get worse from there. Twilight wouldn't stop searching for her assistant, spending sleepless nights traveling around everywhere she could while simultaneously reading books ranging from "Traveling Long Distances for Eggheads" to "The Most Difficult Ponyhunt Cases in Equestria." All her efforts yielded nothing, as did those of her friends, who also tried their own at searching for the baby dragon.

But they all had stopped eventually, including Twilight, after weeks of going missing herself trying to find him. After finally being convinced by Princess Celestia herself to stay home and rest, the unicorn finally gave in. She stayed at home, and very rarely went outside from then on.

Nightmares, delusions, insomnia, and other afflictions quickly found their way to Twilight's every day life. All of her studying and academic practices had practically gone out the window as she plunged into depression, not even wanting to see the light of day for a whole week. Her friends did everything they could, and while they helped, she was still stricken with a delusional episode every now and then, as well as the random changes in mood. But by far the worst thing was the nightmares, the near constant nightmares that plagued almost every night. Even the dreams she had that were good, and involved her spending time with Spike and all of her friends with them being happy, always left her crying when she woke up. For she knew that it was all a dream, and Spike was never there.

He was gone, and there was no sign of him coming back. Only a dwindling hope, one that continued to get smaller every day.

Though Spike's sudden disappearing was a shock, what set everything up to be so traumatic for Twilight was finding the blood at the edge of the forest. At one point Spike had gotten hurt, and seemed to have even been trying to continue getting away from what hurt him, but then it all stopped. She feared the worst, and she blamed herself for it constantly. She was mentally scarred from then on, and nothing would ever heal the wound. Her friends began to wonder if Spike eventually coming back would ever heal such a thing.

With a soft groan, Twilight Sparkle began to gently slide herself out of the bed. She got to her hooves on the floor and immediately turned to her desk. There several bottles of antidepressants sat next to an already filled glass of water. The label on each bottle listed the medication to be prescribed from the Ponyville Hospital, each one being a different medication for different levels of anti-depressant intensity. After the events of last night, Twilight took a pill from the strongest one and downed it quickly with the glass of water, setting everything back before continuing on.

She headed to the stairs, but stopped as she got to her door. She looked over to the still sleeping Rainbow Dash, reminded of just how much she likes to sleep in. Dash slept so peacefully, as if she didn't have a care in the world. Twilight envied this, and though she didn't show it, she wished her mind would allow her at least one night where she could sleep calmly. It was always the same routine, albeit with trickles of diversity here and there. The nightmares, the waking up in a cold sweat, and...

She dared a look over to the closet door, her left eye beginning to twitch as she could feel her heart beat faster. She knew what laid behind that door, but she didn't dare go take another look. It was often too much for her, and she learned over the many months of her assistant's absence not even to open that door anymore unless it was an absolute emergency. Because almost every time she did, she ended up losing herself in tears and thoughts of self-harm.

It wasn't her fault. Her mind knew it wasn't her fault. But every time she gazed upon that basket, she couldn't help but think of all the ways she might have helped. She should have stayed up longer that night, or she should have woken up when she heard Spike get out of bed, or maybe she could have-

She closed her eyes tight, trying to clear her mind. It wasn't her fault, there was nothing she could have done. Spike's gone, and there's no telling whether or not he will come back. As far as she and anypony else knew, he was just a memory.

A very painful memory, especially for one particular unicorn.

His leaving wasn't like the passing away of a relative or a close friend. After a funeral you could still gather around the table and talk about past experiences with them, share a laugh, have a good time, and even through a remembrance party about them. But not for Spike, not after how he left. There was no funeral, no party of remembrance, only a long and fruitless search for any sign of his whereabouts.

There was still the faint glimmer of hope far off in the distance for those closest to him. A hope that stay tethered to the thought that Spike might still be alive somewhere out wherever. But most likely, his body was just laying in some hole in the Everfree Forest, never to be seen again.

With a labored groan Twilight closed her eyes and exited her bedroom, making for the kitchen. She knew she still should take a shower, or at least comb her hair or something, but she didn't care at the moment. She hadn't cared much about such things for a year, and her new best friend at that point had become coffee. Not tea, it wasn't strong enough. Coffee was the only thing strong enough to keep her going through the long days and nights spent up searching for her assistant.

Often times when she made coffee she simply drank it black. That morning was just such a time, mainly due to the thoughts brought on by what lied behind the closet. Simply looking at the door would immediately break her mood, sending relentless floods of memories into her mind, tearing apart her resolves and often making her break out into tears within seconds. The strength of the coffee without any sugar or creamer would help jog her memories away from such things, and usually guide them in more productive directions.

After getting her half pot of coffee made and into her hooves, she immediately downed two big gulps. The bitterness made her visibly cringe, but that's what she wanted. She wanted to be awake, focused, and mind in the right direction. Even though she knew in her heart what the right direction was, her mind told her that she had wasted enough time on that. She was trying to move on, not dwell in the past, and the coffee was helping.

It wasn't long before Rainbow Dash woke up and came down to the kitchen herself, finding the studious mare staring blankly at the center of the table. Her eyes had bags and she had bad bed-mane, but Dash didn't mind. She found herself in the same position all too often, only, for different reasons.

"Morning, Twi'," Rainbow greeted as she stifled a yawn, taking a seat across from the table. "How'd you sleep?"

"Better, thanks to you," Twilight replied, a weak smile appearing on her face. "Thanks again, Dash."

"Ah, don't worry about it," Dash shrugged with a nonchalant wave of her hoof. "My awesomeness stretches far beyond just flying nowadays. I even have the amazing ability to put stressed out ponies to sleep!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure," she scoffed, though she couldn't help but smirk at the pegasus' constantly boastful act, even around her friends.

"So hey, what do ya wanna do today?" Rainbow began, leaning over the table. "How about we head down to Baltimare to see that new fancy play that was going out. I heard Rarity was dieing to see it!"

"Why would you offer to take me to something you hate?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, yeah," after coughing once, Dash began rubbing the back of her neck with her hoof. "I just wanted to see if it was any good, is all. I've kinda been trying to like, ya know, get out more and see new things and stuff, ya know?"

That was a complete lie. Rainbow Dash detested such nearly anything fancy and high-class, and the play she was talking about was no exception. In truth, the reason she put out was for the pony in front of her. Ever since Twilight's deep depression began, her friends had done everything they could to get her out of her home and at least outside to do something. It was a painstaking process at first, as Twilight refused to even look out the window at times.

After much progress and constant love and care from her friends, she had made extraordinary progress. And yet, she still had a long way to go. None of her friends truly believed Twilight could be restored to what she once was before Spike's disappearance, yet they had to do the best they could. They had to try, and try they did.

Twilight sighed slowly before taking another swig of her coffee. She knew why Dash would bring something up, she wasn't blind. She knew about her friend's constant attempts to bring her back to the outside world. In truth she too desired to go back and become active again, at least, that was what her mind was saying. But her emotions betrayed her, and she often lacked the desire to go out and do anything. Again, time had shown improvements to counteract such things, yet the apprehensiveness was still apparent.

"Alright, I guess I'll go see how it is," Twilight said finally, glancing off to the side with a bored expression.

"Great!" Dash immediately perked up, her wings unfurling as she jumped into the air. "I'll go get the others and meet you here in about an hour. Go try to, um... ya know, freshen up and stuff, okay?"

"Sure thing, Rainbow," Twilight nodded, taking another few gulps.

Rainbow Dash left after than, and Twilight was once more alone to fend for herself. She finished off the coffee quickly and used her magic to levitate the pot into the sink, opting to deal with it later. But when she tried to place it in, she realized she could not. Her sink was practically overflowing with dirty dishes, mostly other used coffee pots that she neglected to take care of.

That was another thing about her, she was no longer proactive with cleaning. Just like her disinterest in personal hygiene in the morning, she very often procrastinated in simple tasks such as dusting, organization, management of belongings, and, of course, dirty dishes in the sink. During the start of her depression, as with most other things she was dealing with, the mess in the library was atrocious. She lost count of how many times Fluttershy and her woodland friends had to come over and clean the place for her, simply because she did not feel like doing so herself. Again, though, just like the other negative implications in her life, this one was getting progressively better.

The next half hour of her time was spent cleaning all the dishes that had piled up. She thought about using her magic to clean it all much more rapidly, but the decision not to was a wise one. Cleaning them one by one not only insured cleanliness, but it kept her mind busy. She was focused on one thing, and one thing only. If left alone or with nothing to do for an extended period of time, her thoughts would often wander to topics she would rather not be thinking about. She knew what would happen, and eventually ended up taking it upon herself to make methodical tasks such as cleaning dishes take longer, just to keep her mind busy.

After cleaning the dishes, she knew she had to get cleaned up. A shower and a brushing of her mane in the bathroom beside her room did that just fine, but then she remembered exactly what she was going to. Rainbow Dash didn't just say they were going to a play, she said a "fancy" play, meaning she would probably be expected to wear something nice. She began to think about where she usually kept her nice attire, when the realization struck her.

The closet.

That accursed closet. The single thing in her home that she loathed to even think about, lest she lose herself in the fallout that came with it. After some tactical brainstorming, she remembered that Rarity had gotten her a small wardrobe that stood down in the basement. It was mainly down there to keep it out of the way, since Twilight thought she would never ever use it. But that was back during one of her episodes where she went on about not ever going outside again, and she moved the wardrobe to the basement just to make a point of that.

After traveling down the needed steps leading both to her room and to the basement, she made her way to the wardrobe. She examined its contents, which were only five dresses total. One was a refined gala dress that Rarity had when the knowledge that the original was stuck in the bedroom closet. The second was the simple yellow dress Twilight had worn to Fancy Pants' party, only in a much more completed sate. The third was a simple red gown, the fourth was her Starswirl The Bearded costume, and the last was the dress she had worn to her brother's wedding.

The play may have been fancy, but Twilight didn't want to go all out with something like her gala dress or the one she wore to the wedding. Yet something too simple such as the gown probably wasn't enough, while the Nightmare Night costume was out of the question. Narrowing down her options, she decided on her finished yellow dress, thinking that it would be much more comfortable to wear than anything else. She stepped in front of a large mirror that was also in the basement for the same reason as the wardrobe was and slid herself into the dress with the magic.

She was about to leave when she saw another, even smaller wardrobe off in the corner. Curious – mainly due to forgetting why it was there in the first place – she cantered on over to the piece of wooden furniture to view its inventory. As her magic grabbed hold of the handle to open up the main compartment, she paused. A thought went through her mind, telling her that perhaps the contents of the wardrobe should not be seen. Perhaps she had put it down in the basement long ago for a very good reason, presumably to keep it away from her eyes. But alas, curiosity had won the battle that time, and with one slowed breath in anticipation, she opened the door... and there was nothing there.

She breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that she may have ended up finding something that would trigger an episode. After looking through the empty little mobile closet once more, she closed up the door. But then something caught her eye. A knob was below the door, and sure enough her eyes were able to find a small compartment that seemed to slide open from blow the main one. She missed it at first with all her focus being on the main door as well as the creases being somewhat obscured by the fine layer of dust that coated it. Without much thought she slid open the drawer with her magic and gazed upon what was inside.

She immediately regretted it.

Her body froze as she gazed upon an item of the past, an article of clothing that once belonged to the best friend of her life. As a dragon, Spike obviously never wore much in the way of clothing. A top hat and little black suit was considered exceptionally fancy attire for him, however that was not what she found. It was one of the very few pieces of clothing that he was truly proud of wearing, and brought with it many happy memories of a night long past... and for Twilight, those memories were poison.

Her magic faltered, her ability to control it leaving her as she began to shake. A few pitiful whimpers escaped from her lips, but it wasn't until she put her hooves into the drawer and pulled out the colorful outfit that she felt tears assaulting her eyes.

There, hanging from her hooves, was Spike's Nightmare Night costume. It was a little dusty, and obviously had not been cleaned for a long time, yet its impact was the same. Twilight brought the purple costume against her, tears flowing freely as she began to sob uncontrollably. Her legs shook, her body shook, even her soul seemed to shake at the rush of emotions that flooded from her heart through her body. Incoherent mumbles and wordless phrases escaped her lips as she openly cried, tugging the costume to her.

It wasn't right to her, none of it was. She wanted Spike, she wanted to see him in his little costume again, to know that his face was smiling big and proud. All the months of pain and torment from his departure from her life came back to her, and she endured all of it.

She collapsed onto the floor, laying on her side as she continued to pull the costume against her. It was the second closest thing she had to remember him by, and she had the misfortune of finding it. It wasn't her fault she couldn't control her emotions, it was simply her nature. Twilight Sparkle was always dedicated to doing what was right, and more importantly, in helping her friends no matter what. Spike was taken form her wrongly, she knew it, all the evidence pointed to that. Spike was her best friend, and he needed more help then than any other time in his life.

An yet she could not do anything. She could not help her friend, and she couldn't do what was right by saving him. There was no magic ending to her fairy tale, it was all sorrow and emptiness. A void had formed in the pit of her heart, one that would only seem to take the near endless flow of tears cascading down her cheeks.

The void in her heart felt like a knife that was stabbing her, ripping into her heart and poking at the foundations of her very soul. The pain was excruciating, and it only induced more sobs and harder crying which further fueled the void. She couldn't help herself from the pitiful mess she had become on her basement floor, it was hopeless for her. Her limbs would do nothing other than clutch the physical memory of her long lost assistant, and her mouth released no words aside from the mindless babbling that spilled out along with the drool and tears.

The noises she made were loud, but she didn't care. She didn't even register any attempt to filter what sounds or actions came from her. She was list in a half of time, her world screeching to a stop as every part of her being revolved around that one instance. She didn't even notice the door to the basement open up, followed by several sets of hooves rushing down the steps.

"Twilight!" Applejack called out as she, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy rushed to their unicorn friend's side. "Oh nessy, what happened!?"

"Oh my goodness, are you okay!?" Fluttershy whispered loudly as she inspect Twilight's body for any sort of injuries.

"What's wrong with her!?" Rainbow Dash practically screamed, not only worried for her friend but feeling frantic as her mind reeled for any sort of way to help. "She was just fine less than an hour ago, I was with her!"

Applejack slid her hooves around the broken down unicorn, trying her best to calm her down. "Twilight, sugarcube, what's the matter?" Applejack tried to lightly shake her friend a few times, but it seemed to do nothing to deter her from her state.

"Oh, my, girls..." Fluttershy said softly as she placed a hoof on what Twilight was curled around. "Is this-"

"NO!" Twilight shouted suddenly, glaring at the timid Pegasus with eyes that pierced like daggers. "Don't you dare touch it!" Her voice was saturated with rage, yet the despair and pain still effected it. Even then her friends could tell that she wasn't being herself again, that she had found something that sent her over the edge. That's why they put stuff in the closets in the first place, so Twilight wouldn't see them and go into another one of her... episodes.

They just hoped it wouldn't end up with violence again.

Fluttershy backed up quickly, her body trembling while she made sure to steer clear of the distraught pony by backing up into a corner and staying there. Applejack and Rainbow Dash, however, were still doing their best up close. They too figured out what was within Twilight's grasp, but it didn't matter too much to them. All it was was another item to set their once studious friend off on another tangent, and no matter what, they had to save her from herself.

"Twilight, ya gotta snap out of it!" Applajck pleaded as she pulled her friend into herself, trying to relax her by stroking her hoof through Twilight's striped mane. "Yer lapsin' again, girl! Ya gotta fight it off before ya hurt somepony again!"

"Twilight, listen to me!" Rainbow Dash began, her voice firm and commanding as she grabbed Twilight's cheeks with both hooves, forcing their eyes to connect while Twilight's grip on the costume tightened. "We're your friends, we're trying to help you. You have to let us help you."

"No, no you're not!" twilight seethed, returned the rainbow pegasus' gaze with her own furious glare as more tears streamed down her cheeks. "You just want me to let go of him, to have me forget him like everypony else because you all think he's dead!"

"That's NOT true!" Dash almost yelled back, but maintained her volume. "We all miss him Twilight, but he's gone now! Alive or not, we probably won't ever know, but you have to move on, it's only hurting you!"

"Sugarcube, please," Applejack began as she tried to sound as gentle as she could. "We love you, and we want what's best fer ya, but if you wanna get better, ya just gotta let go of-"

"NO!" She cried, trying to break free of the farmer's hold. "We could have saved him! I could have saved him!" She was screaming now, her voice becoming distorted from the sobs that came with each breath. "He would still be here, but none of you helped!"

"We did ALL we could!" Rainbow exclaimed, pushing her nose up to Twilight's. "You know that me and Fluttershy practically flew all over Equestria several times over trying find him."

"LIAR!" Twilight's horn began to glow, and the eyes of her three friends widened with fear. "You all hardly cared at all! You just went back to greedily farming all your damn apples, or sleeping your days away like some lazy bitch, or going back to your pansy little forest animals because that's all you're good at!"

Her words were like splinters that punctured each of their hearts, but the three friends dared not hold it against her. Twilight always got this way during an episode of hers, but the one thing they had to make sure they stopped was her horn. If they couldn't, they might end up seriously injured, or worse, crippled...

Just like Rarity.

"No, please, not the magic, Twilight!" Applejack pleaded, firmly pushing her head into her friend's neck, trying to comfort her any way possible. "We're your friends, please, don't do this again!"

"Twilight, Stop!" Rainbow Dash's confidence was faltering, especially when the eyes of Equestria's most powerful unicorn were glaring at her. It was like staring death in the face. "You gotta fight it, remember what Celestia taught you!"

"FINE!" Twilight yelled, her horn glowing brighter. "If none of you will help me, then you're just getting in my way! I'm going to find Spike, and I will take out anypony that gets in my way! Starting with-AAH!"

Twilight's head was forcefully yanked back and slammed against the floor as something gripped onto her horn. Fluttershy, who's body was still shaking, had been spurred into action by the thought of her friends being hurt again by one of Twilight's breakdowns. Her mouth was clamped tightly around the horn as she pulled onto it tightly, forcing the magic within to scramble and lose its ability to be projected in any form.

Twilight screeched loudly, the pain from her horn almost overwhelming as she kicked and twisted her body in an attempt to get free. But she wasn't the only one in pain, as her friends had to suffer through watching their best friend's torture right before their eyes.

It was necessary, though. Princess Celestia herself had taught them that force to a unicorn's horn was one of the most effective ways at keeping their magic under wraps, especially when said unicorn became a danger to everypony around her. Though utterly despised the mere thought of having to do what had to be done, even Fluttershy came to realize it was the only way to save herself, and more importantly, her friends.

Screams of agony continued to fill the basement as the three friends pinned the deranged unicorn on the floor. Eventually they knew she would give up, she would run out of energy and plead with them to stop, just like last time. But they had to hold onto her until they were absolutely certain that she would stop, because there was still the chance that she would turn right around and start blasting at them.

And for each friend, even for just a moment, they all asked themselves one question. Why did it have to come down to this? Twilight was such a strong, dependable mare in the past. Often seen as Equestria's brightest star, and destined to be the epitome of greatness for so many years. She was thought to be unbreakable in both body and mind... and yet, the one place she was still vulnerable was her soul.

The impact of Spike's mysterious and allegedly violent disappearance hurt Twilight's very soul. It was because he had lived with her for so long, the two had gotten so close. Twilight looked down upon her dragon assistant like a little brother, and she knew that they would be tied together forever under her protection. But her failure to do so broke the bond the two had, the bond between their souls. And with that, her soul broke with it... followed by her mind and body as a result.

After writhing on the floor and crying her heart out for what seemed like hours, Twilight Sparkle had eventually managed to calm down. Though her horn still throbbed with pain as Fluttershy vigilantly held her grip on it, she gradually came to her senses and truly realized the reality of her actions. She had almost her one of her friends again, and possible worse. As that thought began to sank in, her cries dulled into pitiful whimpers while her friends gradually began to let up on her. First Rainbow Dash and Applejack released their grip on her, and then Fluttershy once Twilight showed that she was no longer fighting back.

It was always a horrible thing to watch Twilight break down like she did, before and after an episode. There was relief that it was over, but only more heartache as they stayed with their friend in her time of need. She needed them by her side to provide comfort and reassurance, for most of the time she was unable to do so herself. That was what hurt the most, the knowledge that she could not help herself at all. Deep down she didn't know whether or not her friends truly cared for her anymore, of if they just pitied her.

So there she lay on the floor, weeping aloud beside three of her best friends. It was always embarrassing, but she would be aided to pull through it, just like every other time. And just like those times, she would be brought out to do something afterwords to keep her mind off of the less desirable events of what happened earlier.

But there was no forgetting, not for Twilight. Every day she passed without her beloved assistant was etched in her mind so clearly she could recall the entire past year with great detail. Every day brought new horrors, as well as new attempts to get better. But nothing she had nor anything her friends could give her would ever make the feeling of depression and regret go away. She was sick, and the only cure seemed to be being reunited with her long lost dragon assistant...

But he would never come back. Spike was gone...

Forever.

PW: Longing


End file.
